Ben M. Parker
President, Pembroke College Winnie-the-Pooh Society,
Pembroke College,
Cambridge, CB2 1RF
April 17, 1998
Dear Mr White,
Thank you for your kind letter of the 4th March 1997, which we received a long time ago, of course, regarding the shocking suspension of the special offer on Sainsbury's crumpets
Whilst we are not altogether satisfied with the solution which you gave to our predicament (not being able to buy 12 crumpets for the price of 8 at 39p), we were far more shocked to note your references to the Walt Disney Version of Winnie-The-Pooh, which our society regards as an abomination against AA Milne (blessed be his name). I have the unpleasent duty to inform you that you were censured, by majority vote of the society, soon after we received your letter
However, I trust you can put this behind you, whilst I tell you about a new defect in Sainbury's products. I refer of course, to the hot cross buns, which, although when I bought them were excellent value with the second pack bought at half price, are very misleading, especially to Bears of Very Little Brain, as I'm afraid we must be.
We would like to complain on several counts. Firstly, the Hot Cross Buns are in no way hot. Indeed, they are not even warm. Secondly, they seem quite relaxed, and even when we tried to enrage them, they remained far from cross. Thirdly, the plump sultanas promised on the front of the packet seem to have been replaced with some rathor anorexic ones. Fourthly, the buns are claimed to be "suitable for vegetarians." On applying meat to the product, this was found not to be the case.
Lastly, and maybe most importantly, as Students and Humble Followers of the Ways of Pooh, we do not possess Advanced Toasting Facilities. We are most distressed that your product does not fit in the toaster without being squished. We believe this to be a serious design fault as well as a fire hazard, and would urge you to rectify the situation before the lawsuits start being filed.
To summarise, we ask that the product be immediately taken from the shelves, and destroyed in a controlled explosion, preferably within one of the colleges in Oxford University
In the spirit of Pooh, however, we would like to compliment you on your fresh donuts (although we believe the spelling is a little wobbly), which are fresh and juicy and just the way a doughnut should be.
I would like to invite you, or any of your colleagues, to an Elevenses Meeting of the society, which take place every Saturday during full term, although I would urge you to bring a mug should you like tea. Serious issues like these, we feel, should be discussed face to face.
If you feel you are unable to attend, I await your speedy reply, and until then, I remain
Yours
Ben M. Parker (President, Pembroke College Winnie-the-Pooh Society