Held in S15.
Present: Ben, Stephen, Andrew, Alison, Jenny, Rob, Sandy, Jon (returned for the day to find he's on trial for his life!), Yasmin (a guest from Homerton)
Apologies: Vicky, Tony (not Anthony - so where was he then?)

1. Jon, who is allowed at his request to take the minutes, is somewhat shocked to discover he's on trial. Ben hadn't got round to sending out the summons, and Jon feels the warning could have been a bit longer. He has brought a mug.
   


2. Apparently Andrew broke into Newnham. Appearances can be deceptive, however, and we discover that in fact it was more a case of not breaking into Newnham, since Dave Henderson's charm failed to convince the Night Porter that they were residents.
   


3. Rob reports that there was a meeting held this morning for the sole purpose of censuring Tony for non-attendance last week, which it duly accomplished. Minutes were apparently not taken. Jon is secretly concerned that the Society has become less thorough in its silliness since he left, but says nothing in case it affects his defence.
   


4. Jon is discovered to have his pen in his mouth, just as the suspect on the summons is pictured. Any hopes he may have had of evading identification are thus dashed.
   


5. Rob, by tradition, reads the minutes of last week's meeting. He also censures himself for forgetting the coasters. Dangerously, no vote is taken. Rob has clearly started carrying across his steering committee training.
   


6. Ben proposes that Yasmin, and, after some hesitation, Jon, be allowed to vote for the duration of the meeting. For: 5, Ag.: 1, Abs., 1; carried.
   


7. There is now tea, and to everyone's delight, Economy Tarts!
   


8. Andrew talks at length about someone getting obscene over wild animals, but the details are lost in his accent.
   


9. Yasmin produces a pound and declares that she would like to join. We have therefore to take a vote, but in typical Poohsoc fashion it takes some time to get that far.
   


10. Rob reports on the morning's Expotition which was Organdised to the Wren Library to view the original Old Testament. He says that they Discovered it, open at 'In Which Eeyore Has A Birthday And Gets Two Presents,' and produces a postcard to prove it.
    


11. Ben reads a letter from his mother, which came with a cheque for his phone this morning. Since he fails to explain satisfactorily why his phone should need a cheque, he is judged to be talking rubbish, and more to the point irrelevant rubbish, and so a vote of censure is proposed by Rob. Since however Ben claims in his defence that his wallpaper is still in place, there is no seconder. (This would actually make sense if I explained it, but it would take up too much room. Ed.)
    


12. Jon is suddenly stricken by a desire to delve in his bag, and tips vast quantities of wine and CDs out of it before finally announcing, "Fuck, I've forgotten it," and admitting that he has failed to bring a postcard from the Australian chapter. This prompts a report on the state of our daughter chapters, which is more or less as follows: Australia, ill and no larger than when it started; California, two new members; Würzburg, flourishing if only in the person of Sibylle. No mention is made of Nottingham.
    


13. We finally get round to voting on Yasmin (if you see what I mean): she is accepted as a member unanimously, 9/0/0, and Ben pockets her pound.
    


14. Ben confesses that he bought a Disney Tigger, but explains by way of compensation that it is very cute. Alison apparently became very attached to it.
    


15. Rob and Jon are talking about politics and are soundly censured: F., 7, Ag., 1, Abs., 1; carried.
    


16. Jon now tries to join, producing a rather poor ninety pence with the promise of more later. This causes great debate, since unbeknownst to him he has already been made an Honorary Member and the Society voted not to tell him. He is put outside while we discuss it, and Rob takes over the minutes. It is decided to disclose to him the real state of affairs only after he has paid the money: F., 8, Ag., 0, Abs., 0; carried.
    


17. Jon returns and is pleased to discover that he is the first ever person in the Society's history to be both sorts of member. Whether this might give him two votes is not discussed. He pays his money and it is secreted about Ben's person. Jon resumes minuting.
    


18. The Reading is 'In Which Eeyore Has a Birthday and Gets Two Presents', to commemorate the success of the morning's Expotition. Yasmin is temporarily made Under-Eeyore, since it was her birthday a fortnight ago and does it very well. Jon is Pooh, for old times' sake, which means he has to sing 'Cottleston Pie'. He does so very badly, but is clapped anyway.
    


19. Jon makes an attempt to prove that Winnie-the-Pooh is a gospel with an inner meaning, but since we no longer have Angela no-one is interested.
    


20. Rob has fluffy ears. Apparently this has been minuted before but it's news to Jon so he minutes it again.
    


21. Vicky arrives stunningly late but arrayed with the treasury and a cheese sandwich; she reports that she was nearly killed twice while getting here, but is distracted by sighting a picture of herself (it's actually a picture of Eeyore but you have to humour them don't you?) through her sandwich. Embarrassed, she hides behind the curtain, but is persuaded to do A. A. Milne (that is, to play the part, obviously).
    


22. A vote to censure Ben is called. The reason has not been recorded, but we don't really need a reason to censure Ben anyway. F., 4, Ag., 1, Abs., 5; carried.
    


23. Vicky (I think) notices that the picture of Piglet falling on the balloon depicts a balloon with clearly visible legs and tail, just like... Roo! Opinions vary on this, but it is certain that there is more going on here than the text suggests.
    


24. Finally, the Trial begins. On the Bench are Yasmin and Sandy; Rob is Clerk of the Court, since he has actually been in court. Jon asks what he was accused of. Ben is Counsel for the Prosecution and Jon undertakes his own defence. (N. B. Rob, who took the trail minutes, has referred to Jon as the 'descendant' throughout. The reason for this is unclear.)
    


25. Jon is called to the stand and takes the oath on the Old Testament. He pleads Not Guilty to the charge of leaving the Society devoid of a decent minute-writer, Not Guilty By Reason Of Insanity to the charge of failing to get a First and thus depriving the Society of Secretary and Pooh, Guilty to not coming to visit the Society, Guilty to general Jarrettness, and Not Guilty to forgetting the postcard, which has been hastily added to the charge-sheet. The Prosecution wants to strike that charge but is not allowed to do so.
    


26. The Prosecution introduces last week's minutes, written by Andrew, as Exhibit A.
    


27. The Prosecution questions Jon on his plea to the second count. Jon explains that he means the insanity of the markers, particularly Professor Jonathan Simon Constable Riley-Smith, who has a silly name and is a Professor of Ecclesiastical History, and is therefore quite clearly mad as a brush. The Prosecution claims Jon is absurd, but this is hardly compelling evidence in a Poohsoc trial.
    


28. Jon examines himself! He argues that the postcard was in fact a proper greetings card, so the charge is inaccurate, and anyway it had nothing to do with Poohsoc specifically, and that the Prosecution wouldn't have known about had he not mentioned it.
    


29. The Prosecution calls Mr. Andrew J. Grantham, and asks him if the quality of minutes has not declined since Jon left. Andrew agrees, but Jon argues that since Andrew is not the official Secretary he can hardly be expected to deliver official quality minutes.
    


30. Brian and Richard arrive, and Vicky climbs under the table with Brian. There is general uproar.
    


31. Ben and Jon both cross-examine Granny.
    


32. Ben objects that the judge is tossing over an objection.
    


33. Jon calls Miss Vicky Jackson and examines her (let future readers wonder about that one, I say...).
    


34. The Court makes its closing statements - Ben says that Jon is quite clearly guilty, and Jon argues that Ben is a dangerous incompetent with no more right to conduct a trial than a weasel. Ben points out that Jon has left and that the minutes aren't as good, that he didn't get a First, that he has not visited, that he is undoubtedly guilty of Jarrettness, and that he hasn't brought the card, thus being obviously guilty on all counts. Jon ripostes that the quality of the minutes isn't his fault, quit the reverse, that the Constitution allows for the replacement of departing officers and that the First isn't his fault but Riley-Smith's, that he has visited but Poohsoc wasn't happening when he did, so it's the Society's fault, and that the card is his own property to do with as he likes. Having heard all this the jury goes into recess.
    


35. The jury is in recess for a long time, and several interruptions by the judges establish only that Vicky wants to be locked in a hotel room with the rest of the jury (including Brian and Richard. Be careful what you ask for... ).
    


36. The jury returns and Jon attempts to bribe them by producing biscuits, but unfortunately they have already written down their verdict. They find as follows: not proven (Jon thanks Providence for a Scottish presence on the jury), not guilty, not guilty, not guilty and guilty. Ben calls for a mistrial but is over-ruled. The judges retire to consider sentence.
    


37. Jon is sentenced to be taken from this place unto another place, where it is cold and there is the possibility of snow, and there to sing "The More It Snows," in a loud singing voice. Since it is nearly time for a little something, the sentence is suspended until a more suitable time. The Court is adjourned, and the Meeting is closed also, though no vote is taken so it may technically still be open...
    

Return To Michaelmas 1997

Return To Michaelmas 1997