Present: Jack, Richard, Alison, Rachel H, Rosy, Dunstan, Owen, Adam, John-h, Neil (eventually)

Visitors (briefly): Tim, Justin, Marissa (?sp.)

Apologies: Martin (Shock!), Roz, Rachel C, Naath, Jenny, Rosie

1. Meeting opened (by Rosy)
   


2. Neil M-H is at school near Windsor. He wants to go to Oxford as he needs to leave home and, anyway, the social life is better.
   


3. The Piers Gavestone Society is supposedly secret. NO LONGER! Ha ha! They meet in fancy dress, for feasts, an intelligence source informs us.
   


4. Owen arrives and opens another meeting on the way through the door. Alison will minute this one.
   


5. Which secretary is answerable to whom? Owen enlightens us as to the Constitution?s position on this. (Although really the relative positions of the secretaries ought to provide enough confusion)
   


6. Trinity has several great (adj.) courts, but only one Great (proper noun) Court.
   


7. Owen has brought the same cake as last week. Since most of last week?s cake was (we are assured) eaten, perhaps best not to speculate where he got it from.
   


8. Adam will have tea in Owen's mug.
   


9. Votes to close the other meeting: Hung (but Alison carried on minuting)
   


10. Let's just not say anything minute-worthy. (Alison)
    


11. This is not a sensible society: Passed
    


12. If we ever want Neil not to be at a meeting, we will have to organdise a trial.
    


13. We will have to issue a Bench Warrant against Neil.
    


14. Adam chokes. He got the poisonous piece of cake.
    


15. Vote to censure Neil for not turning up to his own trial: Passed 7:0:1
    


16. 'especially after 1603. (Richard M-H)
    


17. Jack has a mother.
    


18. Minutes of the meeting on 8/2/03 read by Alison (p. 2), Rachel (p. 1) and John-h (p. 3). In that order.
    


19. Instead of a green bicycle-helmet, Dunstan has brought a green-bicycle helmet (honest!).
    


20. The bicycle helmet is green: Passed
    


21. Minutes of the ? (the rest of that minute has been lost to posterity. People were speaking to fast.)
    


22. We are all standing: Passed (5:1:3)
    


23. Minutes of the meeting on 23/11/96 read by Dunstan (that?s the one held at 12:10 in the basement, not the elevenses meeting). They include information on the correct conduct of a Society trial.
    


24. Votes to make Owen, Rachel and Adam High Court Judges: Passed
    


25. Vote (of the High Court Judges) to try Neil in absentia: Passed 2:0:1 (Note- are these now temporary posts for the Jess to record?)
    


26. Discussion of who will speak for the defence: since Neil is not here and hasn't chosen anyone to act for him, the James must appoint a defence counsel.
    


27. It will be like Blackadder, only the other way around.
    


28. Owen will speak for the Prosecution and for the Defence.
    

The Trial



29. Dunstan dons the ceremonial bicycle helmet.
    


30. Then Neil arrives! Having spent (apparently about an hour) looking for T5a.
    


31. Votes to remove the minutes Martin added whilst typing up last week's minutes: Passed
    


32. Votes to censure Neil 1000 times to make up for the un-censuring we have just caused.
    


33. Votes to censure Neil for being late for his own trial: Passed
    


34. The trial is un-adjourned.
    


35. Neil and Owen will defend Neil together.
    

The Trial



36. There is a gavel. It is a jar of jam.
    


37. Jam is officially Hunny for this meeting.
    


38. Votes to mandate Martin to get well soon: Passed
    


39. The case for the prosecution:

    Prosecution calls Alison to take the stand.

    
    


40. Shall we do some swearing? (Jack)
    


41. Oh F***.

    Alison is sworn in on the testaments.

    
    


42. Votes to censure Alison for swearing: Hung
    


43. Votes to censure Alison for considering Pooh swearing: Carried.
    

Counsel for the Prosecution (CfP): Were you present at the Society meeting on the 8th of February?

Alison: Yes

CfP: Was Neil also present?

Alison: Yes, and besides, it says in the Minutes that he was.

CfP- produces exhibit A, the minutes of the Society meeting held on 8/2/03.

CfP: I think we've finished with this witness. Witness dismissed.

CfP: Neil, you can cross-examine Alison.

Counsel for the Defence- Neil (CfD,N): I think I'll pass on that one.



44. It's a Kangaroo Court: the Roo-in-Residence is here: Passed
    

CfD,N cross examines Alison.

CfD,N: How did you check it really was Neil at the meeting?

Alison: I stole your Emmanuel gate key.

CfD,N: So, a member of Emmanuel College was there.

Alison: And you were in your room.

CfD,N: So were you, presumably, does that make you Neil?

Alison: You were wearing Neil's clothes.

CfD,N: How did you know they were mine?

Alison: They were characteristic

Richard M-H: How were they characteristic?

Alison: Would you like me to describe in what way they were characteristic?

CfD,N: Yes? No, actually I'd rather you didn't.

CfD,N: Can you prove that the Neil in the minutes was not Neil M-H?

Richard M-H: 1279 witnesses, including his Housemaster, will assert that Neil M-H was at school last Saturday.

A member of the jury requests that the judge ask (of Alison, who is still technically in the stand): Is that your real hair?

Alison: No, it's a wig.

CfD- Owen: No more questions, you can go.

CfP (Owen again, lest we forget): Call Richard M-H

CfP: Was Neil the Teddy Bear at last week's meeting?

R M-H: No, he was at school.

CfP: Have you ever met Jon Jarret?

R M-H: Yes.

CfP: Would you say Neil was like Jon Jarret?

R M-H: No.

Richard M-H is sworn in.

CfP- Produces Exhibit B, the minutes of the Society meeting of 29/11/97 (the Trial of Jon Jarret).

CfP: Quotes the parts of minute 25

"Jon is called to the stand and takes the oath on the Old Testament. He pleads Not Guilty to the charge of leaving the Society devoid of a decent minute-writer, Not Guilty By Reason Of Insanity to the charge of failing to get a First and thus depriving the Society of Secretary and Pooh, Guilty to not coming to visit the Society, Guilty to general Jarrettness, and Not Guilty to forgetting the postcard, which has been hastily added to the charge-sheet. The Prosecution wants to strike that charge but is not allowed to do so."

about General Jarrettness, and asserts that by R M-H's testimony Neil is clearly Not Guilty of General Jarrettness and so has not, in that respect, annoyed the society.

(Somebody:) What was Jarrett like?

R M-H: Some people resented his paternity. Fornication and all that.

CfD (I think): Has Neil any character flaws which might annoy the society?

R M-H: Not that one, I suspect, unless he has a woman hidden away he isn?t telling us about.

Neil: Actually I have a woman hidden in my pocket.

The defendant is sworn in.

CfP seeks to show that Neil has not deprived the Society of a decent minute writer (see exhibit B), since Martin has mostly written the minutes throughout Neil's membership to date (This point is somewhat unconvincing as Martin is not here today and is standing down as Secretary next week. Probably not Neil's fault, but who knows?- Ed. (Clerk of the Court))

Jarrett failed to get a First (Exhibit B)

The defendant got a First last year.

CfP: Can you confirm that you were at last week's minute?

The defendant: No

CfP: Can you confirm that you were at last week's meeting?

Alison: You minuted last week.

CfP: So- you have not failed to attend a meeting.

Exhibit C: (never actually produced due to the absence of the secretary)

The defendant has not missed two consecutive meetings within full term since the start of his membership.

Exhibit D: A postcard, which the defendant admits to having seen before

CfP: So, you remember this postcard, so you are not guilty of forgetting the postcard. (See exhibit B)

The defendant now claims never to have seen the postcard before in his life and tells the court what a shocking memory he has.

Exhibit E: The minutes of the trial of not attending and failing to apologies for two successive meetings. Exhibit C is cited as proof that Neil has never been guilty of this act of annoyingness of the society.

CfD,N cross-examines the defendant.

CfD,N produces Exhibit, a minute from last week's meeting censuring the defendant for throwing his testament away.

CfD,N also points to the fact that the defendant has been censured over 1000 times in the current meeting.

At this point General Confusion briefly took over the minute writing (despite the fact that, as an Extraordinary General, he's only allowed to attend one meeting each year). After the Clerk of the Court bravely wrested back her notes and the pen, recording of the trial continued.



45. Votes to give Neil a First.
    

Neil accuses the Judge of corruption. In what capacity is never entirely clear.



46. Neil is not human.
    

Neil has no further questions for Neil.

The defendant has a question for the judge: What is the threshold of annoyingness which must be achieved before the case can be thrown out? Will throwing crisps on the carpet be sufficient?

Another question: Can this trial be shown by logic not to exist.

It is decided that if the Society is not bound by the law of gravity it need not be bound by those of logic. Objection thrown out.

Point of information: If the trial is not concluded in this session will the jury be put up in a 5* hotel?



47. Trinity has lots of money but it still takes conference guests.
    


48. Trinity College should be on trial.
    

Common law (interpretation of) is up to the discretion of the court.

But it is possible to appeal to the High Court.

CfD,N: No further questions. Witness dismissed.

CfP examines the Defendant.

CfP: Are you Neil?

The Defendant: We already established the matter.

CfP: Are you Neil?

The Defendant: We already established the matter.

CfP: Are you Neil, Yes or No?

The Defendant: No, I am not Neil-yes-or-no.

CfP: Sums up.

Adam: Since I have not been at meetings for the last three weeks the society has been devoid of a Pooh.

(At this point General Confusion made a further attempt upon the minutes. Eventually, after much effort, the Clerk of the Court regained control.)

The Defendant: I've been certified psychic by all reputable psychic certifying agencies.

CfP: Could you provide us with a list of one of these agencies.

The Defendant: I could provide you with a full list. (Exhibit ?)

Exhibit alpha:
emptyset

Neil has let the Society down by being neither furry nor plump.

CfP sums up: The defendant is not guilty of other people's charges.

The jury retire (despite not having started their working lives yet) to the other side of the room.

The Jury reach a Hung verdict. Rachel persistently abstains and so:



49. Votes to decide Rachel's vote by flipping a coin: Carried
    


50. Votes to decide Rachel's vote by a game of Scissors, Paper, Stone between Neil and Owen: Carried

    Round 1: Drawn (Scissors)

    Round 2: Neil wins

    Hence, Neil is found Not Guilty of Failing to Annoy the Society.

    
    


51. Let's not try him for annoying the society.
    


52. But we're going to give him a penance anyway.
    


53. The James will consider the sentence.
    


54. There will be a sentencing hearing at the meeting of the Society on 1/3/03.
    


55. Reading: Alison's Fantasies about Neil.
    


56. Alison will never hold anything against Neil.
    


57. Neil is unfairly victimized by the Society.
    


58. Ah ha, so Alison does fantasize about Neil covered in sugar.
    


59. Votes to commend Alison for the Adventures of Neil, and for Neil still being alive at the end: Passed (!!!)
    


60. Votes to close: Failed
    


61. Hmm... I think I have to have that one. Neil looks very stern in that one. John-h (It should be noted that John-h is standing for a secretary post next week. Someone remind me which way round the unrequited-love thing is supposed to work?)
    


62. psspsspsspss: Pssd
    


63. The system is against Neil: Passed 4:1:0
    


64. Votes to give the treasurer's arm to the secretary: (withdrawn)
    


65. I withdraw Neil's arm (Alison)
    


66. On three, Dunstan runs off.
    


67. Reading- The Contradiction (No it wasn?t!)
    


68. Votes to mandate Alison to look after the extra meeting for the week and to minute Martin doing stupid things at work: Passed
    


69. The usual Pooh-ing joke is made (by Neil)
    


70. Reading: In which Eeyore has a Birthday and gets Two Presents.
    


71. Votes to commend Jack on his attempt at "Cottlestone Pie": Carried
    


72. Three of Jack's friends arrive and swiftly retire.
    


73. Votes to do a Hogwarts-style pick-a-tune version: Carried
    


74. We all attempt "Cottlestone Pie".
    


75. We finish the reading (to the accompaniment of many oo-ers)
    


76. Votes to close: Carried
    

Not minutes because they occurred after the meeting:

Next week's meeting:

AGM, 5pm until After Dinner

Inner Parlour, Pembroke College

Black Tie

The cake contained vanilla and cinnamon, but not fresh coriander.

Return To Lent 2003